my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
