Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
