Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we made out on top of his cat.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
