it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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