There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
