I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We are all done wearing pants today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
