You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
