census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
there's paper in my vomit.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
