what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
