so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i out mim tonsoeep
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