if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
