She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
