don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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