I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The Olympian is in my bed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
