why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
