Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
