im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
