you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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