just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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