Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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