I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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