Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize