I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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