he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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