So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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