Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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