Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
