when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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