My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
