weddingsv make me drug and hornr
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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