His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
