I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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