eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize