went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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