so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
