peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
