I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
