he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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