omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Watching her eat just hurts me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
