I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
