she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
