Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
