Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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