pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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