You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
