i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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