When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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