I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
