These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
