I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
