roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
