Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i think i just lost a toe
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
