OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
