I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
