I bet he comes in French.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
