There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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