Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
