He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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